Beer and liquor companies may not be allowed to advertise to children, but that doesn’t mean that children don’t drive sales. I wrote in a recent post that the main thing I learned from staying with my sister and her family is not to have kids. I also learned that, if I did have a kid, I would need alcoholโand lots of it. Not to help with the stress of raising the kid, mind you, but to help with the guilt over running away to some tropical island in the middle of the night and leaving said kid behind.
My nephew with his favorite toy……who looks like she could use a drink
Even parents who stick around could use some alcohol, though, but there’s a problem; a catch-22 really. Now that you have more need than ever for alcohol, you have less time than ever to drink it. 23 minutes a day to be exact, judging from what I saw at my sister’s. Now she and her husband chose to use those 23 minutes to get some sleep, but they probably should have gotten drunk.
Obviously I’m exaggerating a bit and parents have nowhere near that much time to themselves. Between working to support their child and actively spending time with it, they have no free time whatsoever. There’s no need to panic, though, as I have a solution. It comes, as so many beer-related innovations do, from the Germans.
What they so cleverly deduced is this: they looked at a child’s life and determined that the playground plays a central role; and naturally the beer garden plays a central role in any adult’s life (it is Germany after all). Most people would look at those two things and think them complete opposites, but not the Germans. They saw one of the most brilliant combinations of services ever: the beer garden/playground.
This is the Prater Garten in Berlin; the city’s oldest and probably most famous beer garden.
Why should parents have to find a babysitter and leave their kids behind just to go out and have a beer? They shouldn’t obviously. And by putting playgrounds inside beer gardens, Germany has ensured they don’t have to. Parents can have a leisurely beer while watching their children play on the swing set or in the sandbox.
Even Anthony Bourdain made a stop here on his Berlin episode.
Now I realize this would never be possible in the United States and some Americans will undoubtedly have a problem with this, because they realize that, if a child sees you enjoying a beer, they will want one for themselves. Ignoring the existence of the word ‘no’ for a minute, any normal person will realize that a child watching you drive a car will want to try driving and a child watching James Bond shoot up terrorists will want to do that, but obviously, we can’t have our children drinking or driving or shooting (ok, so the last one is fine as long as they are supervised by an adult, but the other two are dangerous).
Despite the playground the beer gardens are still pretty empty at noon; I guess some people work….
Unfortunately, the laws still have some catching up to do, but with a bit of hard work, we will one day get to the point where parents will be obligated to sit on the couch with their child and stare at a blank wall until the child’s 21st birthday. The world is too full of temptations and dangers to allow your child any other activities.
True, they won’t be able to attend school or hang out with other children, but let’s face it: unless you’re in the one percent, in which case you could safely ignore most laws in the first place, your child would be going to a public school anyway. Given the state of the US educational system, they can just spend the first few weeks of their 22nd year studying and they’ll be all caught up.
As for playing with other kidsโฆโฆwell, let’s just think about that for a second. If your child goes to some other kid’s house to play, those parents are going to expect you to reciprocate and have their kid at your house sometime, doubling the number of children under your roof. If your child makes another friend, you have one more kid to watch. Clearly, you do not want you child having friends.
Better yet, just move to Germany. Little Johnny will no longer be able to take the family shotgun out to blow the heads off innocent squirrels and will instead have to amuse himself on a swing set, but you’ll get to sit nearby and enjoy a cold beer. Are other parents dropping their kids off at your place for playtime? Take the whole lot to the beer garden and parent while having a cold one. Best of all: that beer won’t have the word “Budweiser” printed on it and it will not taste like lightly flavored water.
Your nephew is really cute. Can’t decide who’s cuter the toy or nephew. Interesting combination of beer and playground, makes perfect sense. Purely out of interest, is Budweiser American or Germany beer?
Shalu Sharma recently contributed to world literature by posting..Interview with traveller Daniel McBane
Budweiser is an American beer. It originally came from the Czech Republic, but it no longer bears any resemblance to the original (called Budvar). It bears little resemblance to beer period, for that matter.
Daniel recently contributed to world literature by posting..Another Detour in Search of Another Nonexistent Attraction
I was chuckling while reading this. Really, this happens in Germany? ๐ how ingenious you Germans are. I hope though that the parent is sane enough not to drink himself to a point where he could no longer care for the little one. A bottle or two should be enough.
I also smiled at how you described parenting as though it was something so painstaking.Well, it is in a way, but once you have your own kids, the joy and self-fulfillment would banish all your stress and fatigue. It’s a joy being able to watch your children grow into responsible adults. You could try it sometime. ๐ ๐ ๐ It’s FUN!!!
Jena Isle recently contributed to world literature by posting..X Factor Australia 2012: Fans React and Comfort 14-Year Old Shiane Hawke on Twitter after Her Heartbreaking Elimination
Most seem to just have a beer or two and socialize with the other parents, while their children play together.
I’ll have to take your word on the joys of parenting. Personally, I value the freedom to do what I want, when I want more than anything and that’s the main thing you give up when you have a child. Unless you’re rich, of course. So maybe I’ll have a child when I can afford to hire someone to take care of that child for me.
Oh, yes, you could, Daniel. And you could also spend some time with him, when you can.
Competent baby-sitters are difficult to find. I have two babies with me, and they’re so active, I am thinking of hiring one. ๐
Jena Isle recently contributed to world literature by posting..Spoiler, X Factor USA 2012 Performance Show, November 7: Arin Ray Grooves and Beatrice Miller Shows Vocal Power, to Impress Judges
That’s true. I imagine it would be hard to find someone you can really trust with your kids.
By the way, I came from Shalu’s post about you. Interesting posts you have here. I’d be sure to visit again.
Jena Isle recently contributed to world literature by posting..Blog Engage Rocks! I Won $250 from Its 6th Guest Blogging Contest
Hi Daniel,
I came here via Shaluโs website. Very interesting interview you got there ๏ I do not have kids myself for now, but I do have a lot of nieces and nephews from my siblings that I babysit many times a week. I love children, but to be honest there are times I would like to have a bit of time to myself (during the times I babysit them).
I think having a beer garden is a great way to fuse playing children at the park/garden while the parents/guardians get their hands on a refreshing beer at the same time. I guess this setup can cause some problems such as children would want to try drinking beer too because they see their adults doing it.
Playdates โ they do have their pros and cons. One obvious con, as you pointed out, when your kid makes many friends and when they spend time to play at your house, meaning you get to watch all of them make a mess of your precious home, and youโre to make sure they are well-fed, safe and play with all their might. LOL!
While reading this, I told two of my siblings that they are so lucky they have me as their youngest sister/babysitter, because if I do not like children one bit, they will surely have a hard time finding separate babysitters for their children when they come to grandmaโs home for a visit. Sure, they have babysitters at their own houses, but they do not have full-time, stay-in nannies/babysitters, and there are times that they are forced to leave their kids to me and to my mom when they are busy with work or they have an appointment with clients and no one will look after them.
Having children are great, but of course, you have to be really ready to sacrifice a lot (even the simplest things you enjoy each day) just to be there for them and take care of them properly.
Felicia recently contributed to world literature by posting..Conviction For Gambler Who Lost $400,000
Your siblings are lucky. My sister does not have the same luxury. She has two brothers and neither of us are qualified to watch a child for more than ten minutes at a time. I can take care of the dog for a bit (although I don’t enjoy that at all), but definitely not my nephew.
Oh man Daniel, best parenting advice ever!
I’m going to be that drunk mom that’s passed out on the slide while my child runs out into traffic (most likely).
Really, though, I think it helps to have kids grow up around alcohol. One of the reasons USA kids go so crazy when they hit college is bcause alcohol at 21 is like the holy grail and they go nuts. Europeans and most Asians don’t go cancun spring break crazy when they hit a bar, mostly because they did that at 12 and are ‘over it.’
As an American, I remember feeling really weird and uncomfortable drinking in my Japanese host family’s house with their 10-12 year old kids. I didn’t want them to see Mary-sensei plastered. I was even more alarmed when the kids started pouring my beer and mixing my shochu and whiskey.
But then after a few glasses, I thought to myself: Man, it’s great havin kids in Japan.
I think the host mom read my mind because she looked at me and said: “Yeah, can’t wait until she turns 18, then she can pick us up from the bar when we go drinkin.”
See, kids are good for something!
Oh man, that German beer looks so good btw!!
Shanghai Ronin recently contributed to world literature by posting..Vietnam
I know. I never understood why anyone would want to have kids if you’re not going to have them mix and pour you drinks.
We moved to the US when I was 15 and I remember how weird it was that I suddenly couldn’t even go into a restaurant with my parents if it had a bar. Apparently it’s safer to leave your kids outside in the street than to let them see you drink a beer.
Daniel McBane recently contributed to world literature by posting..A Well-Deserved Day Off in Upper Pisang